The Borderline Personality Disorder Journey… From External to Internal

**The ideas contained in this post are the opinions of the writer and communicated without reference to supporting documentation. The writer also recognizes that BPD is a disorder that affects both males and females, and uses of “she” or “he” in the communication of ideas are not intended to covey sexual bias. Breakaway MHE Disclaimer


In my struggle to heal from the effects of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), including emotional deregulations, conflict-laden relationships, identity disturbance, and impulsive behaviours, I have realized it is a journey of moving from the external to the internal.

When I say moving from the external to the internal, I mean learning to rely less on things external to oneself to feel and be ok (such as other people, material things, substances, types of responses and circumstances) and more on things internal (such as healthy thoughts and beliefs, skills, and self-understanding). Transitioning from the external to the internal could likewise be described as moving away from dependence on temporary or fleeting forms of self-control and adopting more sustainable and enduring forms of self-mastery.

When on the road to overcoming BPD, it is essential to know why this kind of transition is a good thing as it provides the much-needed motivation to keep moving forward despite the difficulty, and therefore, accept the healing challenge.

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I remember a time when I was highly sensitive and reactive to everything going on around me. I was especially vulnerable to the things I would hear significant others say, both to me and to others. For almost everything I heard, I made hasty judgments/assumptions that would stir up emotions I couldn’t tolerate, meaning that I couldn’t help but to react… usually with some indirect but judgmental statement… passive aggressiveness.

I judged others as purposefully devaluing me if they said something contrary to my opinion. I judged others as being inconsiderate and uncaring if they didn’t sense my worry thoughts and ask if I was “ok.” I judged myself as being inadequate and worthless if I wasn’t a made a priority in others’ lives, or if it seemed I didn’t measure up financially. I judged I judged, I judged…

There were so many emotional triggers in my surroundings that I could not identify or manage. Consequently, there were many things I would do and say that would contribute to unnecessary conflict and drama. If people didn’t talk the way I wanted them to, then my reactions would come, and I would be faced with whatever responses I got in return, quite often anger and distance. If my reactions didn’t come out right away, then I might save them for later. Sometimes I would keep it all stuffed inside me like a powder keg, but that can make for an even worse reaction.

I was very often upset with people, and they were very often angry with me. I was dependent on the way people spoke to “be ok,” and I was very anxious about having so little control over how I experienced my emotions.

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Another external measure of control that I attempted to employ was taking authority over the way things looked around the house, even the way people acted or appeared. For instance, if people didn’t seem “happy enough” then that meant something was bad about me… like I was letting them down, or I was in trouble, or something else. If people didn’t look at me or didn’t give me eye contact, then that was bad too, since it meant that “I didn’t matter or they were rejecting me.”

My thoughts and my feelings were as they were, and I believed all of it was real and factual (emotional reasoning). My reactions often included off the cuff, sarcastic, passive-aggressive comments. For example, I might say “you are soooo delighted to be here with me today, I can tell” (with a snotty look on my face). Sometimes I would “go for broke” and tell my target person exactly what I thought, like… “You’re never happy with me, and I’m a failure, and that’s just the way it is”… “anything else you say to me is just a pack of lies.”

I didn’t get control of people, situations, or my emotions by taking the sarcastic/passive-aggressive approach, but I did get a lot of upset in return, and that would lead to hurting even more, then upping the ante on my reactions, then more conflict, then more drama, blah blah blah… down the rabbit hole. I also developed Panic Disorder at one point because of my inability to manage thoughts and emotions, anticipating so much conflict with others and “bad things” that could happen in life, and feeling so anxious about it all.

Everything just seemed so “out of control” all the time. No matter how much I might have denied it at the time, I was very unwell and nothing I was doing was going to change it. Being unable to control people and circumstances, I often turned to substances or anything else (other vices) that might make me feel a little bit better for a little while.

I wasn’t in tune with my thoughts sufficiently to recognize I was also personalizing just about everything (making everything all about me). I was also thinking in all-or-nothing, black-or-white terms. I feel embarrassed to admit all these things now, despite the fact I know that at the time I didn’t know any better. Sometimes I feel especially ashamed as I was a psychology student for much of my severe illness period. The personalizing, the all-or-nothing thinking, the emotional reasoning, still happens from time to time, and all of that is hard to admit to, but I know I am just a human and adjusting Borderline Personality Disorder is going to take some time.

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Making the transition from external to internal involves taking the time to tune in to the inner world, so you can see what’s going in the moment of difficulty. Tuning in to the inner world can perhaps be achieved in a multitude of ways, maybe even as many ways as there are different kinds of therapy. However it is attained, it means taking the time to practice paying attention and self-reflecting, and perhaps most importantly, being honest, loving, and forgiving with oneself. For me, it meant learning mindfulness meditation, learning to identify judgments, learning to identify many types of irrational thoughts and exaggerated feelings, learning how to validate myself, learning to think more rationally, and accepting reality precisely as it is rather than demanding reality be something that it isn’t.

Of course, there have been other skills learned, but these types of shifts seem to stand out as being important according to my experience. After consistent efforts have been made – often with the guidance of a trained mentor or therapist – then dependence on the external starts to diminish and changing a dysfunctional life pattern becomes possible.

Peter

 

 

 

 

 


photo credit: What Lies Ahead via photopin (license)
photo credit: lunchtime meditation via photopin (license)
photo credit: Fell On Black Days via photopin (license)

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The Borderline Personality Disorder Journey… From External to Internal
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