As I sit here in this quiet moment, waiting for the latest winter storm to hit, I reflect. I reflect on how far I’ve come in this journey. I think back to what I now refer to as ‘the dark days’ and smile. I smile, because remembering the darkness makes me so thankful for right now.
These days, when we get a storm warning, I’m no longer wishing for the storm to be destructive. I’m actually hoping the storm won’t be as bad as predicted. I have things I want to do, places I want to go, a job I love and want to excel at. I don’t want a storm to slow me down.
How is this any different than how normal people view a storm? Excellent question. It’s NOT! And that’s the point. That is the glorious point! You see, for years I lived in a very toxic mental space and while in that dark place, I had plenty of destructive thoughts.
A regular wish came every time there was a storm warning. Any season, any storm, I’d hope and even pray that it would be disastrous. Why? Because I wanted.. needed.. something bigger than my depression to take away my pain. Of course, I didn’t understand that at the time, all I knew was that a big storm would mean people would come to the rescue. The people I needed would put their phones down and I wouldn’t be invisible. I believed A big storm would halt the daily demands that overwhelmed me, even if just long enough to catch my breath. I believed I would get a break from my life. The dark life I so badly wanted to escape from. Sounds ridiculous to an emotionally healthy brain right? But it wasn’t ridiculous. It was my reality. The reality of my mental state, and it speaks volumes. The real storm was inside me.
Thankfully the storms passed. We remain safe. Sometimes I watch the news and feel a twinge of guilt when I see stories of actual destruction in the world. How could I have ever wished for that? What was I thinking. Well, I certainly don’t beat myself up anymore. I remain thankful.
Life is good