How Significant Others of Those Who Suffer with BPD Accidentally Make it Worse!

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**The ideas contained in this post are the opinions of the writer and communicated without reference to supporting documentation. The writer also recognizes that BPD is a disorder that affects both males and females, and uses of “she” or “he” in the communication of ideas are not intended to covey sexual bias. Breakaway MHE Disclaimer

The primary challenge when working through Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is learning how to manage your emotions (to regulate emotionally) independently. Another similar problem is learning to effectively get your emotional needs met while in a relationship, meaning that you can request emotional support in ways that increase the chances of receiving that support. If you look at the BPD challenge as mostly being an emotional learning curve, then many of the other needed adjustments (thinking, behaving, relating) have a better chance at coming together. If you are not open to the idea that all humans need to develop themselves emotionally (especially the sensitive ones who find themselves in the throes of BPD), then you might as well stop reading now.

The problem for many people suffering from BPD is that they are in relationships with family members or with partners who don’t understand the “mental health game plan”. As a therapist myself, I am quite often astonished at how little involvement or genuine interest family members and partners of those with BPD demonstrate for their suffering loved one. Not only does the person suffering from moments of emotional disturbance in BPD need to get skilled to take more responsibility for emotions, but there is also a pattern of interaction with significant others that needs to shift as well. If both are not pursued, then the chances of “breaking free” from that toxic pattern that is BPD can be much harder to do.

So what does a significant other of someone suffering from BPD need to know and do differently?

The first thing is to stop assuming that your loved one can take responsibility for her emotions. She can’t because she never learned how to do it properly during her childhood development.

Hearing that a vital skill was not learned may be hard to acknowledge and accept, but it happens to people everywhere, and in many instances evolves in the BPD pattern. It is, therefore, entirely understandable that a person experiencing all the traits of BPD would not want to admit this and feel ashamed because she knows that people generally assume emotional mastery automatically happens as you age into adulthood. But it doesn’t work that way! If you believe that age equals emotional maturity, then please toss that idea out right now – it does not help matters in BPD.

The next thing is to recognize that a person with BPD is going to react to emotions that she hasn’t yet learned how to tolerate/manage. Believing that someone with BPD should not have significant emotional reactions is like expecting a third-degree burn victim not to react to being touched. Thinking about the person with the condition like “a burn victim” means that it is essential for everyone involved to approach emotions with curiosity rather than disgust. If the tendency for everyone involved is to react to emotions, or to invalidate emotions (“you don’t need to feel that way!”), or to threaten punishment because emotions have made an appearance (“cut that out, or I’m gonna….!”), then it is incumbent upon everyone involved to step back an inquire with curiosity where the emotions are coming from. Genuine interest in feelings opens the door to understanding, and therefore also to emotional regulation – precisely what a person suffering from BPD needs.

Another essential piece of significant other information is not always to take away the emotional challenges your loved one with BPD is facing. Taking the emotional challenge away is like lifting weights for someone who is going to the gym to lift weights and eventually strengthen her muscles. For example, this could look like a person with BPD seeking out personal information from a partner because she is worried he is cheating on her (“where has he been?”, “who is he talking to?”, “what is he doing on his phone?”, etc.). She is feeling insecure and doesn’t want to work through the feeling. She wants to avoid working through the insecurity feeling by getting the information she doesn’t need (assuming the partner has proven himself trustworthy).

I have heard many stories in therapy of partners giving in to these demands for information, most likely because they don’t want to fight, or because they can’t handle seeing their loved one with BPD in any emotional distress, or because they don’t know what else to do since they don’t understand mental health. A better approach is to bravely offer assistance with working through the insecurity feelings using curiosity and validation, rather than just giving in to the information demand. I have written two articles on validation if you would like to check them out… article one, article two.

The key points to remember here are that if you are seriously working on developing emotional awareness, emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, then you need to be working on that. Breaking the BPD pattern is not possible if it is continually being undermined by well-meaning, uninterested, or unmotivated individuals. In most cases, I would say that people don’t learn about or keep these ideas in mind when attempting to help their loved one working through BPD. But if you want to be helpful to a sensitive human being who has developed BPD, then help her follow through with gaining these essential skills so she can unleash the floodgates of her love, all that she is, and all that she has to offer.







photo credit: mitchell haindfield here lays, here lies via photopin (license)


Thank you for reading! Please share to help us raise mental health awareness.